Eat More Carbs.
Don’t Eat Carbs.
Don’t Eat Meat.
Eat Three Meals A Day.
Eat Six Meals a Day.
That’s pretty much the recommendations of the top 50 selling diet books on Amazon. Of the top 10 selling diet books of 2011, four have photos of women on the cover, three have just vegetables and one is called The Skinny Bitch Diet.
Yesterday as I went food shopping with Barb we looked at the ingredient list of everything I had in my hand “¦ you are kidding me right?
Food making companies please know this: I am not a freaking chemist.
Nor am I good at the new food math.
But when I got back home and took a calculator to your list, know this, all of your percentages of this and that came to 113 percent.
On my block, you hit the 100 percent line “¦ you win.
On my block, you hit the 113 percent line “¦ you cheat.
Here’s my suggestion for the labels on my How To Survive As An Old White Guy Diet “¦ one number for ingredients in the box – Chances of Dying From Eating This: 80 percent.
Short. Simple. Easy to understand. Every guy on the planet gets it!
No mention of menopause.
Then I would do this food companies/supermarkets: arrange the food aisles by Chances Of Dying. I figure you begin with the most mysterious aisle – produce – got to be, at the most, the 10-percent aisle.
At the far end of the store you have the 90 percent aisle (can’t be the 100 percent aisle because that would pretty much mean you croak right there in the aisle while still clutching the triple dark chocolate fudge brownie pizza). So basically we make shopping in the Supermarket the crap shoot it really is.
I might even have an Eating Insurance booth, like Flight Insurance, near check out. If you keep shopping in the 60-90 percent aisles, you can buy short term coverage for croaking with a pepperoni in your mouth.
If you want guys to diet, please leave the ovaries out of the plan.
After shopping yesterday, I told my wife, “Personally I would rather eat the shopping bags than what’s in the shopping cart.”
I have read that sugar, which grows out of the ground, just like broccoli, that natural sugar is bad for me.
So to avoid the evils of the natural stuff, I’m supposed to eat products with sugar that grows out of the mind of a chemist.
That will be the first rule of the How To Survive As an Old White Guy Diet:
No. 1: If you can’t pronounce the ingredient, or spell it, Don’t eat it!
If you tell me real stuff is bad for me and fake stuff is good, I’m calling B.S. on that.
No. 2: Eat what brought you here.
If you tell me that eating anything that human No. 1 ate is bad for me, I’m once again calling B.S. on that.
Now don’t be spouting facts to me about how we now live longer than our ancestors, and certainly human No. 1 through a couple million or so, because our ancestors life expectancy was based on one thing and only one thing “¦
Had there been a CVS cave with generic cave bottles of Aspirin, Penicillin, and vaccination clinics “¦ trust me “¦ every block today would have a Neanderthal or two living on it.
We died young not because of what we ate, but because of infections taken care of by witch doctors.
You live a long time today. Thank Alexander Fleming, not Atkins. Thank Louis Pasteur, not Dr. Oz.
Now I’m saying all of this because over on my Facebook page:
I have a note titled, The Fat Man Gestalt.
I said in that note I was going to go on a diet and that people could pledge per pound of my weight loss and that I would then donate that money to my foundation, Tackle the Storm:
To see the rants for yourself, just go to those pages or friend me at:
All of that stuff came about BEFORE I started looking at how I was going to lose the weight I was going to lose.
No wonder we are fat! It is damn near impossible to not be with all the conflicting diets of the day out there.
If you write a diet book called The Skinny Bitch Diet, lady, you got something against the rest of us.
So, as I try and lose weight for the kids of Tackle The Storm, I’m going to try and figure out how to do it by just shopping in the 50-percent-chance-of-death aisle.
I am not going to spend my life worrying about my death.
I will do what is reasonable to postpone my death though.
Reasonable being the key word, not death.
I would like your help if possible.
If you are currently an old white guy and are surviving being an old white guy in REASONABLE good health, email me with how you do it.
If I get enough of those suggestions, I will go to that Amazon Print Your Own Book thing and assemble your suggestions into the How To Survive As an Old White Guy Diet book.
If that happens, and someone actually buys the book, every dime of the proceeds will also go to the Tackle the Storm foundation.
I think the one thing that is missing from the bewildering choices facing a guy trying to lose weight is common sense.
Common sense says there should be a 50-percent chance of dying out there.
And I would take a lifetime batting average of .500, anytime.
Please send common sense How To Survive As An Old White Guy Diet suggestions to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.