The Greatest Man
Recipe in the History of the Planet which may lead to World Peace and quite
possibly the conquest of the Universe, Time Travel, and the Buffalo Bills
wining The Super Bowl.
“Come
over baby whole lot of shaking going on…”
My food pyramid is round.
Somewhat donutesque, if you can believe that. I believe in the Circle of Eats.
In my round food pyramid, I have two food groups.
Drive-Thru.
And.
Walk-In.
My round food pyramid has food rules.
I never eat anything I can’t spell.
I never eat anything that at one time could have run away in
the wild, if it doesn’t have a bar code on it, I don’t eat it.
I don’t eat bait. If
there is a lure that is even close to being based on what it is that you are
trying to get me to eat, don’t bother.
I don’t eat bugs. I
don’t care what kind of legs it has, if it has more than FOUR, it’s yours, not
my food.
I don’t eat seeds. If
there is a chance I won’t eat what the seed turns into once it is all growed
up, I’m not going to eat it while it is a baby.
If the food has been featured on Oprah, I won’t touch it.
And finally, the most important round food pyramid rule:
I don’t eat anything that the government says is good for me
because I don’t believe that the government is good for me.
“…shake
it baby shake…”
I eat a balanced meal three times a day all day long. I try not to snack so I just eat all the
time.
I am a fruit junkie and constantly eat fruit filled jelly
donuts, frozen fruit margaritas, and Cherry Garcia Ice Cream.
But there is one food that sits on the very top of my round
food pyramid, and that would be, Bacon.
I became a connoisseur of the miracle food that Bacon is
when I discovered that if you sprinkled enough of it on leaves, you could
actually keep a salad down. An L & T
sandwich had no chance until some brilliant cook added the B…imagine even
thinking you’d want to eat lettuce and tomato just stuck between bread.
If Bacon can’t make what you are about to eat better, don’t
eat it. There are two exceptions to that
rule that I have discovered though. Bacon does not add much to Ice Cream, and if you don’t mind chewing your
frozen margarita it’s not all that bad, but some people may be adverse to
chewing their booze.
My wife doesn’t believe me, but all she would ever have to
do is put a couple little dabs of bacon grease in her perfume sprayer thing and
she’d have my attention forever.
There is nothing on the planet more romantic than Bacon done
Crisp.
“…shake
it baby shake…”
So, this week because T-Bend Louisiana is over yonder from
down yonder and that over here, in, over, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of
places to have breakfast of either food groups, walk-in or drive-thru, so the
Breakfast Club of me and the Elite anglers wives got ourselves invited over to
the Lintner’s cabin for breakfast eating.
And it was there that I found The Greatest Man Recipe in the
History of the Planet.
Keri Lintner, it seems, has been harboring a secret bacon
recipe.
Sit yourself down to get ready for this bit of Bacon news.
I have discovered….
…BACON FRIED RICE!!!
There is a real, very real chance I could get that knighted
thing over this since I’m thinking as soon as those royal dudes read of this
they might want to be switching around that fancy planning wedding dinner for
them two kids over there and just add Bacon.
Seems Keri Lintner has been holding out on us for years now
with this miraculous Bacon concoction, “db in my family growing up with
the Filipino heritage there was always a pot of rice on my parents stove. If we had chicken for dinner that night, the
leftover chicken was added to the rice and we had it the next day, or for
breakfast.”
Somewhere along the line, Keri’s parents must have had a
real late breakfast, and had some Bacon left over, and dumped that into the
pot.
And magic was born.
Bacon Fried Rice.
And dudes, let me tell you this for a fact, if the first
cavemen would have come across a pot of this stuff first, before they saw the
women cavemen in the other cave, say if the pot was midway between the two
caves, the human race would have had very few laps to it…
“…shake
it baby, shake…”
So here, for the total betterment of Man/Womankind, world
peace, travel to the galaxies, and the Bills winning the Super Bowl here is
Keri’s secret recipe (and what I consider my shoe in for the Nobel Prize).
Here’s how Keri told me to make it while not knowing I have
no idea how to cook or what it was she was saying. db’s First Ever attempt to write a recipe
(full disclosure to keep the food police channel off my back):
First: Find some
bacon and do whatever you have to do to make the bacon crisp.
Second: Make sure
that whatever you did to make the Bacon crisp it involved GREASE.
Third
: Don’t pour the
grease down the drain or try to hide it in the garbage because you have to save
the grease and the more it smells and taste like bacon the better this is going
to be when we get to the end.
Fourth: Find a
skillet from the shelves up top or those hanging over the kitchen island (I’d
be a ton more specific but I’m not actually sure enough what a skillet is and
if I’m wrong the people who make skillets may start yelling the Libel word).
Five: Take the grease
you didn’t toss and now toss it in to whatever you believe a skillet to be, add
some stuff from the produce section of your frig, Keri recommends Onions and
Garlic, didn’t say how much but if you actually have onions and garlic in your
frig you get the gist. Whatever sauté
means, do it now.
Six: Get some eggs,
forgot to ask how many, pound them into pre-scrambled eggs and then pour the
runny scrambled eggs into a pan (Keri may only have one skillet thing) of
either hot olive oil or more of the bacon grease you didn’t throw away. Once the eggs go from runny to not runny get
them out of the pan and start chopping the stuff into bite size scrambled eggs.
Seven: At some point
take number five, and number six, and mix them together
Eight: Take the rice
that has been on Keri’s stove all night, put that in a pan, then dump in both
six and seven, put a lid on the concoction and let it cook 15-20 minutes, or
however long it takes for you to get the rice to the point of it being the kind
of fried you like.
Nine: Rough chop up
the crispy bacon you made about a half hour ago, don’t make it into bacon bits
but stuff that still looks like you began with real bacon in the first
place. Dump it in what is now six, seven
and eight.
Ten: Let the whole
thing get crunchy.
Eleven
: World Peace.
“Well I
said shake baby shake
I said shake baby shake.”
Whole Lot Of
Shaking Goin’ On.
Jerry Lee
Lewis
db
