If you happen to be looking for the exact location of the next world record largemouth bass, you might just be in luck. Or something like that.
eBay user “payout237” is apparently offering all of the information you could ever need in order to put your name in the bass fishing record books. No, we’re not kidding. Laughing? You’d best believe it. But we’re definitely not joking.
The “catching and any other needs”, as the description states, are up to you; so you better start studying up on your Wired2Fish articles. All you have to do is pay $800 and the information will be emailed straight to your inbox. What could possibly go wrong? We hear the seller is also a Nigerian prince who has thousands of inheritance dollars to wire to you—all they need is your bank account information.
For your convenience, here are some additional selling points worth considering:
“Local food diet of the fish”
You’ll know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, whether or not Mrs. Bucketmouth prefers crawfish, minnows, small children or live chickens.
“Name and location of the lake it was seen in as well as coordinates”
This bass is rumored to have a devastating pectoral fin injury due to a misunderstanding-turned-shad spawn scuffle in its teenage years. It has since matured and, fortunately, reevaluated its priorities. Although its emotional scars have, indeed, healed from the heated early morning brawl of years past, the physical injuries remain. Hence the seller’s offer of its exact coordinates—it can’t swim or migrate quite like it used to.
“The fish itself has been rumored to be worth millions”
Watch out, KVD. If you catch this one fish, you’ll be on the heels of some of bass fishing’s most prolific money winners. Bob’s JitterBug Sweet Candy Worms, Pig Hoof Jig Company, LLC and Slaunch Momma Tungsten will be practically knocking down your front door and filling your living room with stacks of Benjamins. You’ll be grinning like a mule eatin’ briars.
“The photo listed is not of the actual fish”
We’ve heard different. Rumor is, the photo was taken during the fish’s daily feeding of organic gerbils and unicorn tenderloin. Seriously, look at that majestic finned creature soaring above its watery domain. It’s almost as if a bald eagle and some sort of rare dolphin made babies.
“It’s highly recommended you do not wait to gain this information”
Why would you wait? Ol’ Sweet Lips could keel over and die at any time; she’s old, you know. She used to be runnin’ buddies with George Perry’s world record largemouth. Some say there are some selfies floating around of the two friends back in their wilder days, but we’ve yet to locate them or authenticate this claim.
“Send best offers and they will be looked over”
The team at GuaranteedWorldRecordBassHotspots.gov has a full-time, college-educated team who painstakingly critiques each and every inquiry using only the latest and greatest in fisheries analytics, nuclear rocket space disciplinary studies, reverse-order financial accounting programs and a bunch of other stuff you probably wouldn’t understand because, you know, science and stuff. So watch out for typos and grammatical errors, folks. They’ll smack you down like a horse fly on a July afternoon.
Editor’s Note: Feel free to browse the listing and forward this to your buddies, but we strongly advise against bidding on it. Seriously. We shouldn’t have to say that, but you just never know these days.