If you happen to be looking for the exact location of the next world record largemouth bass, you might just be in luck. Or something like that.
eBay user âpayout237â is apparently offering all of the information you could ever need in order to put your name in the bass fishing record books. No, weâre not kidding. Laughing? Youâd best believe it. But weâre definitely not joking.
The âcatching and any other needsâ, as the description states, are up to you; so you better start studying up on your Wired2Fish articles. All you have to do is pay $800 and the information will be emailed straight to your inbox. What could possibly go wrong? We hear the seller is also a Nigerian prince who has thousands of inheritance dollars to wire to youâall they need is your bank account information.
For your convenience, here are some additional selling points worth considering:
âLocal food diet of the fishâ
Youâll know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, whether or not Mrs. Bucketmouth prefers crawfish, minnows, small children or live chickens.
âName and location of the lake it was seen in as well as coordinatesâ
This bass is rumored to have a devastating pectoral fin injury due to a misunderstanding-turned-shad spawn scuffle in its teenage years. It has since matured and, fortunately, reevaluated its priorities. Although its emotional scars have, indeed, healed from the heated early morning brawl of years past, the physical injuries remain. Hence the sellerâs offer of its exact coordinatesâit canât swim or migrate quite like it used to.
âThe fish itself has been rumored to be worth millionsâ
Watch out, KVD. If you catch this one fish, youâll be on the heels of some of bass fishingâs most prolific money winners. Bobâs JitterBug Sweet Candy Worms, Pig Hoof Jig Company, LLC and Slaunch Momma Tungsten will be practically knocking down your front door and filling your living room with stacks of Benjamins. You’ll be grinning like a mule eatin’ briars.
âThe photo listed is not of the actual fishâ
Weâve heard different. Rumor is, the photo was taken during the fishâs daily feeding of organic gerbils and unicorn tenderloin. Seriously, look at that majestic finned creature soaring above its watery domain. It’s almost as if a bald eagle and some sort of rare dolphin made babies.
âItâs highly recommended you do not wait to gain this informationâ
Why would you wait? Olâ Sweet Lips could keel over and die at any time; sheâs old, you know. She used to be runninâ buddies with George Perryâs world record largemouth. Some say there are some selfies floating around of the two friends back in their wilder days, but we’ve yet to locate them or authenticate this claim.
âSend best offers and they will be looked overâ
The team at GuaranteedWorldRecordBassHotspots.gov has a full-time, college-educated team who painstakingly critiques each and every inquiry using only the latest and greatest in fisheries analytics, nuclear rocket space disciplinary studies, reverse-order financial accounting programs and a bunch of other stuff you probably wouldnât understand because, you know, science and stuff. So watch out for typos and grammatical errors, folks. They’ll smack you down like a horse fly on a July afternoon.
Editorâs Note: Feel free to browse the listing and forward this to your buddies, but we strongly advise against bidding on it. Seriously. We shouldnât have to say that, but you just never know these days.